Sometimes I feel crazy, much more often the last few years, when I consider my actions and thoughts when compared to my feelings and desires. Maybe I am crazy, you tell me. I was randomly looking for some inspiration through thoughtful quotes when I came across one in particular that really hit home.
“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.”
It’s like my spirit was speaking to me through someone else’s keystrokes. Love can create such a frustrating dilemma. At first it was so easy to open up. It was effortless to spend hours and hours of “free minutes” sharing everything I knew about me and learning everything you shared about you. It was sublime, you were an angel with wings spread, shielding us from the world around us. You allowed me to be your knight armor shining and all. From that foundation grew a love so beautiful, so precious, I would fight to my last breath to protect it, to protect you. There came a moment about 92 months ago (but who’s counting) when I realized this love was genuine. It was also genuinely scary. When I knew that my love for you didn’t depend on that love being returned. Once I realized that I cared more for your happiness than I cared for our union it was a moment of bitter sweetness like none I have ever felt.
It is that desire to please you as much as I possibly can that led to my dilemma. Perhaps the source of my insanity comes from the same place. There are times I have forsaken the bigger logical picture for this dichotomy of logical equations. You are the one person I chose to confide all of what makes me, me. Yet because of my desire to keep you from unhappiness, from hurt feelings, from sadness, those moments of sharing good and bad have been tilted. I began to hold more and more of the bad in. Like a clumsy animal trying to protect you but hurting you in the process with lies, with silence, with an expressionless face while inside I’m screaming out. Hoping that you would only see the attempts to protect you; because of my love for you. Wishing you would always see the knight in shining armor, and not see how that armor has been tarnished, and your knight has been scarred from the many battles that have come through the years. For so long I have tried to be perfect for you. Afraid that my hideous imperfections would force you to no longer desire me. That to see such things would cause pain. But this act, this flawed precession of logic conflicts, directly, with what bonded us so closely together in the first place. This insanity pushes you further away no matter how hard I attempt to pull you closer.
Our foundation of love, honesty, faithfulness, and openness has held us together for years. This essential foundation still remains but, our home has seen it’s share of storms. Small thunderstorms, of jealousy and misunderstandings, that come and go in a flash. Storms of lies, secrets, and deceptions have ripped through our windows and doors. Sending shattered glass searing through our halls. These storms have ripped the roof off of our heads exposing us to all the elements of the world. The weather has brought such destruction into this beautiful home we built together. Many storms of my own ignorant creation. Yet the strength of our foundation has held up. Windows have been replaced, the roof repaired and we remain strong in our love, in our home.
The Beatles say all you need is love. Most times I feel like all I need is your love. The funny thing about love and relationships is, it requires regular maintenance just like everything else in life. Armor must be oiled and polished, scars must be attended to, spread wings must at some point rest. Secrets must be shared, lies must stop, deception can not be an option. What I want is to allow the world to do as it may and provide a shoulder to lean and cry on. To fight and protect you when you want it instead of trying to create this fantasy utopian world that does not exist. To show strength in truly understanding and listening to what you need and acting consistently like your loving partner I have always wanted to be. I must break from this insanity, these schizophrenic tendencies that cause such a conflict with what my heart desires. I understand the Swedish Wiseman that very eloquently said
“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”
Till next time
~Au revoir
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