Replace the Pin

Previously I began my post referring to needing the pin back. I realize I kind of let metaphors run rampant in my descriptions of life experiences, theories, and philosophies. Someone (I won’t mention any names) asked me why don’t I just say it plain without all the language. My response to you is this, because that’s no fun, and this is my blog so what I feel like at the time is what you are going to get lol. This isn’t TV and I don’t feel like people need information to be dumbed down anymore. Today’s post, I anticipate, will be the last on the relationships for a while so look out for the upcoming randomness of this vagrant soul’s journey where “nothing is out of bounds”.

So there was a time when transparency was continuous without request or effort. Those were good times when despite the forecast most days were bright and beautiful. There was a time...

It’s raining now. Sometimes downright pouring. It’s been six months since the sky has cleared. Every now and then there are glimmers of light through these dark clouds, these dark thoughts. I cherish these sporadic rays of light, trying to hold them close enough to feel warmth, or at least dry off before the next torrential storm. How foolish to try and hold onto light. Memories are all I have to keep me warm. I thought anger and hatred could burn through my veins and heat my core, but anger is like alcohol. Too much and you become intoxicated, fooled into believing you are getting warmer as your body grows colder and colder still. As I continue to wade through this flood searching for understanding, for solace, for the opening in the sky, it seems fruitless. No answers have come only more questions, more torturous questions. The grenade on your nightstand offers answers, answers for the questions you won’t. I want to run from it, ignore it, flee from the grenade my mind tells me is obviously treacherous. Nothing good will come of this. My broken heart, my heart wants answers. Not excuses or explanations. It doesn’t care how it just wants answers. It’s still raining. The darkness has yet to subside and give way to the sun. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the sun, the stars, damn these clouds. I’ll take that grenade and blow them all away!
No, no, that won’t work. How insane I must look, cursing the weather in the most loving way. It's not that I hate the rain, it's just been so long since I've seen the sun. The purpose of the rain has escaped me. Just as time seems to be escaping me. Insane? I must be, how did this grenade get in my hand? When did I pick it up? Have I lost myself in a fit of rage? I don't remember. I see big glowing eyes that have emerged from the dark corners. There are no faces just eyes. Watching me, waiting. I know what they want, I know they are smiling beneath their masks of lies and calculated statements. I look to the grenade in my hand, it glows in the darkness, red, orange and black stripes. As I swipe my finger across it’s face, musing at the possibilities, I slowly let up the handle and the dark figures open a third red eye in my direction. No, not eyes at all. As the dots of red light nervously dance on me the ball in my hand is burning. It keeps getting hotter but I can't let go, not now. This isn't the time. Shit, this isn’t what I wanted, it burns! Damn it’s getting darker, how could it get any darker? I put my hands up, attempting to signal to the faceless figures I don't want it. Please take it from me. I want to put it back, I need to disarm it. Where is that damn pin? The clouds are swirling overhead. What did I expect would happen, damn it all, I knew this would happen. I need to find that pin, I have to put this grenade back on the nightstand. Wouldn't this be fitting? Such a beautifully disastrous end.

No, no, that is not the end I want. I just want that fucking pin.

I’m out of time my fellow vagrant souls. I hope you are enjoying these stories. Until next time, I wish you peace, love, and wisdom.

- Au Revoir