Quickie

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

A thank you to 2009

Hello again Vagrant and Itchy Souls. It’s a new year 2010 the year of forward movement. Today I have chosen to look back, for the last time, at the tumultuous experiences of 2009 and reflect on where it has taken this Vagrant Soul. I have often said that 2009 has been the worst year of my life. For a time it felt like everything was falling apart. Like Chaos was hell bent on creating havoc on everything I desired to do in relationships, at work, even my professional aspirations. It wasn’t till mid November to now that I was able to first realize I had been traveling with blinders on. I was only able to see the problems throughout the year. I saw so much disappointment, pain, shame, and loss all along the path. I had been so focused on fixing me and controlling the darkness that is a part of me that I could only catch glimpses of the beauty around me in the limited peripherals or when I turned my head to see the fly ass car next to me. Now looking back at all the events that have occurred during the year I realize how valuable the year has been. It has been the first time since 2004 that I have looked deeply into myself and saw who I am. Although I took no enjoyment in seeing how I have hurt people and compromised what I view as the good side of myself. It was strangely comforting to be able to look at myself without excuses and say, “You are a liar, you are egotistical, often selfish, and afraid.” Do you know what happened as a result of honestly full on acknowledging that darkness? I was able to see me. It was like I finally was able to stop separating the different parts that make up the whole. I finally have the chance to see that I am not defined solely on that darkness. I am finding that being honest with me makes it possible to improve on myself. If someone were to ask do you love yourself?
I can say without hesitation or doubt, yes. So as I bid farewell to 2009 I do so with love and a much better understanding of how important it was to help get this Vagrant Soul back on track. Thank you to those who have helped make this possible. No matter what I may have said to you or how much I didn’t like what you had to say I thank you all for traveling along with me. I will leave you with this food for thought, one of my favorite quotes from Marianne Williamson that has helped me along this journey.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”-Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles (Paperback Reprint, 1996 edition)


I wish to each of you peace, love, and wisdom.

-Au Revoir

Replace the Pin

Previously I began my post referring to needing the pin back. I realize I kind of let metaphors run rampant in my descriptions of life experiences, theories, and philosophies. Someone (I won’t mention any names) asked me why don’t I just say it plain without all the language. My response to you is this, because that’s no fun, and this is my blog so what I feel like at the time is what you are going to get lol. This isn’t TV and I don’t feel like people need information to be dumbed down anymore. Today’s post, I anticipate, will be the last on the relationships for a while so look out for the upcoming randomness of this vagrant soul’s journey where “nothing is out of bounds”.

So there was a time when transparency was continuous without request or effort. Those were good times when despite the forecast most days were bright and beautiful. There was a time...

It’s raining now. Sometimes downright pouring. It’s been six months since the sky has cleared. Every now and then there are glimmers of light through these dark clouds, these dark thoughts. I cherish these sporadic rays of light, trying to hold them close enough to feel warmth, or at least dry off before the next torrential storm. How foolish to try and hold onto light. Memories are all I have to keep me warm. I thought anger and hatred could burn through my veins and heat my core, but anger is like alcohol. Too much and you become intoxicated, fooled into believing you are getting warmer as your body grows colder and colder still. As I continue to wade through this flood searching for understanding, for solace, for the opening in the sky, it seems fruitless. No answers have come only more questions, more torturous questions. The grenade on your nightstand offers answers, answers for the questions you won’t. I want to run from it, ignore it, flee from the grenade my mind tells me is obviously treacherous. Nothing good will come of this. My broken heart, my heart wants answers. Not excuses or explanations. It doesn’t care how it just wants answers. It’s still raining. The darkness has yet to subside and give way to the sun. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the sun, the stars, damn these clouds. I’ll take that grenade and blow them all away!
No, no, that won’t work. How insane I must look, cursing the weather in the most loving way. It's not that I hate the rain, it's just been so long since I've seen the sun. The purpose of the rain has escaped me. Just as time seems to be escaping me. Insane? I must be, how did this grenade get in my hand? When did I pick it up? Have I lost myself in a fit of rage? I don't remember. I see big glowing eyes that have emerged from the dark corners. There are no faces just eyes. Watching me, waiting. I know what they want, I know they are smiling beneath their masks of lies and calculated statements. I look to the grenade in my hand, it glows in the darkness, red, orange and black stripes. As I swipe my finger across it’s face, musing at the possibilities, I slowly let up the handle and the dark figures open a third red eye in my direction. No, not eyes at all. As the dots of red light nervously dance on me the ball in my hand is burning. It keeps getting hotter but I can't let go, not now. This isn't the time. Shit, this isn’t what I wanted, it burns! Damn it’s getting darker, how could it get any darker? I put my hands up, attempting to signal to the faceless figures I don't want it. Please take it from me. I want to put it back, I need to disarm it. Where is that damn pin? The clouds are swirling overhead. What did I expect would happen, damn it all, I knew this would happen. I need to find that pin, I have to put this grenade back on the nightstand. Wouldn't this be fitting? Such a beautifully disastrous end.

No, no, that is not the end I want. I just want that fucking pin.

I’m out of time my fellow vagrant souls. I hope you are enjoying these stories. Until next time, I wish you peace, love, and wisdom.

- Au Revoir

I need the pin

Okay so for the last few months (yes I know I'm minimizing the actual amount of time that has passed king, let me get away with it) I've been going through what we can call some loving inconsistencies that have forced me to seriously question if the queen I thought had is really meant to be by my throne. Don't get me wrong what I desire has not changed, which is why I continue to be drug through this journey. I'm finally off my back holding on for dear life. Now I am on my feet trying to decide if I hold on and see where this ride is taking me, possibly back inside out of the elements, or do I let go knowing that immediate excruciating, but ultimately temporary pain that is certain to follow? You see as I have placed hand over hand and pulled myself closer and closer I still am picking up pieces of debris knowing I need all of these parts to keep the car running. Still I call out to the driver to pay attention to the dangers in the road ahead and all she gets are fragments of whispers either lost to the wind or fallen on deaf ears. Damn the wind for limiting my voice. I see the guy on the loud ass motorcycle up beside the car. I saw him coming and tried to warn her, but that damn wind, and this damn rope keeps me to far to be heard but close enough to hear the bits and pieces of what the biker is saying. We have gone down the left side of the fork, running close to Love highway but getting further away from it. We've been going for so long winding closer then further then closer, and further again. Passing rest stops and exits that can get us back on Love highway. I find myself stuck holding on hoping to slow down enough to get my directions through the wind to the driver, hoping to get back in the car and back on our journey, but it's getting late. The biker is still there, my hands are full of car parts needed to keep running but we need to pull over to have the chance to fix her, to fix us.

I know I said this was about pulling the pin, but it seems that is meant for another time. So till then, you star seekers, astronauts, and vagrant souls I offer this metaphorical story of a vagrant soul's journey to your own interpretations. I wish to each of you peace, love, and wisdom.

-Au Revoir