My Schizophrenic Insanity

Sometimes I feel crazy, much more often the last few years, when I consider my actions and thoughts when compared to my feelings and desires. Maybe I am crazy, you tell me. I was randomly looking for some inspiration through thoughtful quotes when I came across one in particular that really hit home.

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.”

It’s like my spirit was speaking to me through someone else’s keystrokes. Love can create such a frustrating dilemma. At first it was so easy to open up. It was effortless to spend hours and hours of “free minutes” sharing everything I knew about me and learning everything you shared about you. It was sublime, you were an angel with wings spread, shielding us from the world around us. You allowed me to be your knight armor shining and all. From that foundation grew a love so beautiful, so precious, I would fight to my last breath to protect it, to protect you. There came a moment about 92 months ago (but who’s counting) when I realized this love was genuine. It was also genuinely scary. When I knew that my love for you didn’t depend on that love being returned. Once I realized that I cared more for your happiness than I cared for our union it was a moment of bitter sweetness like none I have ever felt.

It is that desire to please you as much as I possibly can that led to my dilemma. Perhaps the source of my insanity comes from the same place. There are times I have forsaken the bigger logical picture for this dichotomy of logical equations. You are the one person I chose to confide all of what makes me, me. Yet because of my desire to keep you from unhappiness, from hurt feelings, from sadness, those moments of sharing good and bad have been tilted. I began to hold more and more of the bad in. Like a clumsy animal trying to protect you but hurting you in the process with lies, with silence, with an expressionless face while inside I’m screaming out. Hoping that you would only see the attempts to protect you; because of my love for you. Wishing you would always see the knight in shining armor, and not see how that armor has been tarnished, and your knight has been scarred from the many battles that have come through the years. For so long I have tried to be perfect for you. Afraid that my hideous imperfections would force you to no longer desire me. That to see such things would cause pain. But this act, this flawed precession of logic conflicts, directly, with what bonded us so closely together in the first place. This insanity pushes you further away no matter how hard I attempt to pull you closer.

Our foundation of love, honesty, faithfulness, and openness has held us together for years. This essential foundation still remains but, our home has seen it’s share of storms. Small thunderstorms, of jealousy and misunderstandings, that come and go in a flash. Storms of lies, secrets, and deceptions have ripped through our windows and doors. Sending shattered glass searing through our halls. These storms have ripped the roof off of our heads exposing us to all the elements of the world. The weather has brought such destruction into this beautiful home we built together. Many storms of my own ignorant creation. Yet the strength of our foundation has held up. Windows have been replaced, the roof repaired and we remain strong in our love, in our home.

The Beatles say all you need is love. Most times I feel like all I need is your love. The funny thing about love and relationships is, it requires regular maintenance just like everything else in life. Armor must be oiled and polished, scars must be attended to, spread wings must at some point rest. Secrets must be shared, lies must stop, deception can not be an option. What I want is to allow the world to do as it may and provide a shoulder to lean and cry on. To fight and protect you when you want it instead of trying to create this fantasy utopian world that does not exist. To show strength in truly understanding and listening to what you need and acting consistently like your loving partner I have always wanted to be. I must break from this insanity, these schizophrenic tendencies that cause such a conflict with what my heart desires. I understand the Swedish Wiseman that very eloquently said

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”

Till next time
~Au revoir

Of Dreams

My dreams are those of a personal Utopian quality.
Where, economic disparity is as mysterious as apocalyptic meteors.
The possibility is there
But the witnesses are missing.
In this world I awake to samples of my love's nectar,
Anointing our union daily as the sun begins to bathe the earth in golden radiance.
So when I say “Good morning”
It is merely a statement of fact
Hours are spent during the day facilitating the dreams of many
Showcasing creativity to all of those ready to receive.
This is my work, mutually beneficial
Beauty blissfully sustains my spirit
In my dreams thunderstorms are no less beautiful than blue skies
A place where we understand ourselves and the value of our love.
Where misunderstandings are irrelevant
Because you hear not what I say but what I imply
Where your body feels tension because my thoughts are of you
Mentally pulling you back to me, my tractor beam returns your temple to my touch.
Relief is my fingers returning stones to their place
Joy found in the subtle tones of “I love you”
Every day consisting of perfect moments of now where then and later is of no importance
Blissful memories are all that fall from our eyes into down pillows
We were made to fit each other perfectly
Every contour caressed in my dreams
Each day washed away, as Castles in the Sand, there is something striking in destruction
To be constructed again out of the emotions of now, the beauty of the moment
In this place the world is ever-changing
Like thoughts, consistency found in the strongest connections
Time is just a word; really it is just a word, a concoction, a farce, aiding that peculiar institution
Such barriers do not exist here, as limitations do not exist.
Manifest your own destiny
Create your own happiness

nosce te ipsum


Till next time...



~Au revoir

Thoughts on Honesty

Honesty is like the first bite of fruit
You want it to be cold and sweet.
Have the juices to refresh your exhausted body,
At the height of a scorching summer’s day.

Just like the fruit you never know
How sweet it will be, if it’s sweet at all.
It could be sour leaving your face unrecognizable,
So painful to your body that you’re left clenching your chest.

You feel betrayed by the fruit
And think you were better off without it.
You curse the fruit because like a fool you believed
So sure that it would bring relief to your tired spirit.

Truth is like that, sometimes mysterious and strange.
You’re taught that it is good for you, full of delicious nutrients
How odd it is that that repugnant sour fruit has a hint of appeal.
In all honesty I’d still chose to take a bite of your truth.


To those Vagrant Souls out there always eat the fruit, because sweet or sour you will be better for having eaten ;) I thank you for the fruit.

-Au Revoir

Que Sera Sera

Greetings to you Vagrant Souls out there. After a recent conversation with an Itchy Soul I feel bound to share this topic with you. As usual what I’m going to say will probably be pretty scrambled to most, but enjoy nonetheless.

Is there really a right or wrong? A simple question, I know, but it is very intriguing to think about. I’ll share with you my thoughts on the topic; perhaps my brother will explain his own view later. It is my belief that there is certainly a right and wrong decision or action a person can take. However, what is considered to be right or wrong, I believe, has to be directly associated with an individual’s core values or belief system.

I do not believe that right and wrong are values that can truly be determined by society. Such acquiescence to standards set for you by peers will always be flawed. This is not to say that all the ideas or rules that society or group implements or suggests are bad. Quite the contrary, many of the ideas and values that are widely accepted are for good reason, but are not universally relevant. Anyway, I say all of that to get this point across. Good and bad should be based on an individual’s personal value system. Once those values are established the easiest way to tell if something is right or wrong, is to consult your system.

Example
It is commonly taught and believed that killing is bad, evil, one of THE terrible sins. We have laws against killing another human being, and even animals in some areas. So the social stance on killing is obviously its wrong, right? But that same society will strap you with a gun to go out in to a foreign land and shoot to kill complete strangers for…? Okay let me take it down a few levels and bring it back to the individual. If someone were to come up to you or someone important to you and threaten to kill you would you feel justified in killing that person? Based on the moral value and laws set by society it’s wrong, which, technically, makes (lawful) capital punishment wrong.

Another random example
Monogamy is the socially accepted way of expressing your love. Most people will either subtly or overtly condemn any form of polygamy, yet it can be argued that those same people will agree that commitment to a single partner is sometimes made difficult because of a natural attraction to another. Your partner may have the qualities that you require for a companion to travel this journey of life, and you may claim them as your own. So if that is the case what do you think is reason some stranger draws your attention, or brings out desire from within you? Are your natural desires/curiosity wrong? If personally you believe that once you make a commitment to one person, that any stimulation brought on, or encouraged, by another person is wrong then for you it is certainly wrong. My question would be where did that value come from? Did you come up with those guidelines on your own or were they handed down to a child who blindly accepted this as being correct?

To the wanderers out there, set your own standards. Define for yourself what is right and wrong and avoid the mindlessness that could find you in the Third Reich, in the police department, in the armed services doing what your spirit is telling you is wrong. Remember “Nobody built like you. You design yourself.” I leave you with this delightful little number by Wax Tailor.


“We are the masters of our own destiny. We are the makers of our own fate.”

Never take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway.
-Au Revoir

Quickie

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

A thank you to 2009

Hello again Vagrant and Itchy Souls. It’s a new year 2010 the year of forward movement. Today I have chosen to look back, for the last time, at the tumultuous experiences of 2009 and reflect on where it has taken this Vagrant Soul. I have often said that 2009 has been the worst year of my life. For a time it felt like everything was falling apart. Like Chaos was hell bent on creating havoc on everything I desired to do in relationships, at work, even my professional aspirations. It wasn’t till mid November to now that I was able to first realize I had been traveling with blinders on. I was only able to see the problems throughout the year. I saw so much disappointment, pain, shame, and loss all along the path. I had been so focused on fixing me and controlling the darkness that is a part of me that I could only catch glimpses of the beauty around me in the limited peripherals or when I turned my head to see the fly ass car next to me. Now looking back at all the events that have occurred during the year I realize how valuable the year has been. It has been the first time since 2004 that I have looked deeply into myself and saw who I am. Although I took no enjoyment in seeing how I have hurt people and compromised what I view as the good side of myself. It was strangely comforting to be able to look at myself without excuses and say, “You are a liar, you are egotistical, often selfish, and afraid.” Do you know what happened as a result of honestly full on acknowledging that darkness? I was able to see me. It was like I finally was able to stop separating the different parts that make up the whole. I finally have the chance to see that I am not defined solely on that darkness. I am finding that being honest with me makes it possible to improve on myself. If someone were to ask do you love yourself?
I can say without hesitation or doubt, yes. So as I bid farewell to 2009 I do so with love and a much better understanding of how important it was to help get this Vagrant Soul back on track. Thank you to those who have helped make this possible. No matter what I may have said to you or how much I didn’t like what you had to say I thank you all for traveling along with me. I will leave you with this food for thought, one of my favorite quotes from Marianne Williamson that has helped me along this journey.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”-Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles (Paperback Reprint, 1996 edition)


I wish to each of you peace, love, and wisdom.

-Au Revoir

Replace the Pin

Previously I began my post referring to needing the pin back. I realize I kind of let metaphors run rampant in my descriptions of life experiences, theories, and philosophies. Someone (I won’t mention any names) asked me why don’t I just say it plain without all the language. My response to you is this, because that’s no fun, and this is my blog so what I feel like at the time is what you are going to get lol. This isn’t TV and I don’t feel like people need information to be dumbed down anymore. Today’s post, I anticipate, will be the last on the relationships for a while so look out for the upcoming randomness of this vagrant soul’s journey where “nothing is out of bounds”.

So there was a time when transparency was continuous without request or effort. Those were good times when despite the forecast most days were bright and beautiful. There was a time...

It’s raining now. Sometimes downright pouring. It’s been six months since the sky has cleared. Every now and then there are glimmers of light through these dark clouds, these dark thoughts. I cherish these sporadic rays of light, trying to hold them close enough to feel warmth, or at least dry off before the next torrential storm. How foolish to try and hold onto light. Memories are all I have to keep me warm. I thought anger and hatred could burn through my veins and heat my core, but anger is like alcohol. Too much and you become intoxicated, fooled into believing you are getting warmer as your body grows colder and colder still. As I continue to wade through this flood searching for understanding, for solace, for the opening in the sky, it seems fruitless. No answers have come only more questions, more torturous questions. The grenade on your nightstand offers answers, answers for the questions you won’t. I want to run from it, ignore it, flee from the grenade my mind tells me is obviously treacherous. Nothing good will come of this. My broken heart, my heart wants answers. Not excuses or explanations. It doesn’t care how it just wants answers. It’s still raining. The darkness has yet to subside and give way to the sun. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the sun, the stars, damn these clouds. I’ll take that grenade and blow them all away!
No, no, that won’t work. How insane I must look, cursing the weather in the most loving way. It's not that I hate the rain, it's just been so long since I've seen the sun. The purpose of the rain has escaped me. Just as time seems to be escaping me. Insane? I must be, how did this grenade get in my hand? When did I pick it up? Have I lost myself in a fit of rage? I don't remember. I see big glowing eyes that have emerged from the dark corners. There are no faces just eyes. Watching me, waiting. I know what they want, I know they are smiling beneath their masks of lies and calculated statements. I look to the grenade in my hand, it glows in the darkness, red, orange and black stripes. As I swipe my finger across it’s face, musing at the possibilities, I slowly let up the handle and the dark figures open a third red eye in my direction. No, not eyes at all. As the dots of red light nervously dance on me the ball in my hand is burning. It keeps getting hotter but I can't let go, not now. This isn't the time. Shit, this isn’t what I wanted, it burns! Damn it’s getting darker, how could it get any darker? I put my hands up, attempting to signal to the faceless figures I don't want it. Please take it from me. I want to put it back, I need to disarm it. Where is that damn pin? The clouds are swirling overhead. What did I expect would happen, damn it all, I knew this would happen. I need to find that pin, I have to put this grenade back on the nightstand. Wouldn't this be fitting? Such a beautifully disastrous end.

No, no, that is not the end I want. I just want that fucking pin.

I’m out of time my fellow vagrant souls. I hope you are enjoying these stories. Until next time, I wish you peace, love, and wisdom.

- Au Revoir